20 Years

Kristina Antosik

and I literally felt like, she was right there with me…

Last night I went to jot down a note in my calendar,

but I saw the date.

So this came out instead.

20 years


It’s been 20 years

And yet I feel closer to her now

Our relationship has developed more and more

As I did


Last time I was with her human

My human self was 11

Since then, I’ve developed in a myriad of ways

And I believe she was there assisting that growth


I’m closer to her now, then I could be at 11


20 years

And although I feel it every day

It continues to be in a different way


Time is so tricky

They say it’s an illusion

However, it’s hard to see that

While still seeing how you’re still not here.

Until I realize you are

It is within the stillness, that I see


now that I’m able to have a memory, and relive it so vividly

with less grief and more presence, I get it.

Time is an illusion.


And when I feel you with me

And signs clear as day

I get that physicality, is also, an illusion


They say there are no coincidences, just synchronicities

Well thank God, because at this point my whole life would be a coincidence

And now I know, I’m more


I now know, since I was raised by angels

That I was put here for more


Time, as illusionary as it might be, is still tricky

It’s been 20 years

Since I was with you in my elementary school parking lot

The last I saw of your human body

Us hanging out, before I went into school


When I go back to that place,

I hope that if there’s ever a place in time

For some sort of timeslip

That it’s then

And at that moment, I’m in the right spot

I’m in the right spot to tell you I love you

One last time

In our human bodies

Face to face


I remember that when it was 10 years

I went back to where you were last were alive

Your job at Cornell Medical College in the city

Back to the staircase you collapsed on

Because then, in case there was a timeslip, I would be there

In the right place

And then finally, at the right time


I go back to these places thinking I could do something about it

Like I can rip through the illusion

Through the fabric of time

And connect

As if, I got the place down

Now all I need to do, is remove the time aspect

One down, one to go

One. Step. Closer.


However as I grew, I got several steps closer then that

I may have not gotten to rip through time there

In that place

Because in that place, I was soaked in grief

And focused on trying to still grasp something

That’s intensity was so slimey and heavy

It would slip through my fingers everytime

As I couldn’t bear the weight of it


But as I grew,

So did my awareness

And thus so did my relationship with you

Because I’ve learned many lessons since then

Some from you

Others, probably still from you, and dad

But in many ways

And on many levels I learned

We are not humans having a spiritual experience

We are spirits having a human experience

And that these times

And these places we find ourselves in

Are temporary

And in that way, time can exist, if you want it too


You see, what the illusion is about time

Is that we don’t control it

But we do


We can go back into a memory

And the more presence we live it in,

The more we are actually there.

We can feel, whatever we choose to, whenever we choose to

We can visit any level of intelligence, and awareness

Whenever we want to

Our capabilities are endless

And we can see who’s still with us

When we are ready to


You can manifest your best future

Just by feeling it now

Having the “future” create the present


You could literally go back in time

Purge emotions about it

And look at it, in different perspectives and ways

Levels of awareness and understanding

Through time


So yes, you can change the past

I’ve always known that

You can change how you view it, what you learned from it

And apply it to your future

By realizing in, what we know as, the magnificent present


By having an amazing relationship with your future

Knowing what you want

Believing you can and will achieve it

Is all you need and it’s guaranteed

So you can also pick your future

And yet all of this, is in what divinity has designed to give us

The Present


So it’s been 20 years

And yet now I’m in a place

Where I feel you in a way, that I couldn’t cognisantly at 11

And I can speak to you any time I want

And I’m starting to realize, that it’s really starting to seem

That my abilities have developed even beyond that


And that’s thanks to you

So it’s been 20years

And yet here we are


I believe there is no time

Just periods of growth

And thus layers of development


Growth and development are the side effects of life

Some say they’re the points

That our souls came here to grow

And thus help


Here’s what I know

Everything physical we don’t own

Since it’s not real

So thus we are renting

With “time”

“time” is the real currency

since no matter how you look at it

we are only given a certain amount

in this place


And yet what is real, what we do take with us

Are our experiences

Which are colored, with the only thing

That makes them real

Which is love


Everything consists of love

Or lack thereof

Always a sliding scale

In this 50 shades of cray, world

So many shades of gray

A gradiant of what’s full of love

To what seems like a complete lack of it


What we feed attention to

We are feeding life to

Aka what we focus on, grows

So every day in every way

Try to find signs and focus on love

Notice it

And even when you are looking “back”

On memories with a loved one who may have passed

Focus on the love in that memory

Because let me tell you my friend

That was the only thing real in that scenario

And it is so real

That it still exists

With you today

In the present

As long as you let yourself feel it


So it’s been 20 years

Since you’ve transcended

Out of what is rented

And into your true being

Where as my awareness grew

I learned to see you not with my rented eyes

But with my eternal senses

I see you with the eyes of my soul

I hear you with my heart

And I feel you, with my continually growing, spiritual senses

And I am with you

With the only thing that is real about me

And the only thing that ever was, is, and ever will be

Real about you



The illusion of time will never erase

The true reality of love

20 years aint sh*t

when I’m 20 years closer to you now

I Love you, and love you all

Goodnight and good love

#Mom #PiercingThruTheVeil


2 thoughts on “20 Years

  1. may every day be more & more a satisfaction to you dear kristina…i remember her with laughter always OXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXOc….”bonnie” aka carina

  2. Kris,
    You are truly amazing, I am so proud of you. God Bless you today and always. Your parents are both so proud of you and the woman you have become.
    Thanks for the tears. I love you forever.
    Good night sweetie.
    Love you,
    Maria xoxoxoxo

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