Freed

11230-freedom-girl

Well it’s been a time, I’ll tell you that.

I’ve basically been processing the closure of a huge part of my life, as some of you already know as twin flame.

I had to, for myself. Every time i bumped into him or had any interaction I’de end up crying. Finally my last attempt, whether I felt i was ready for it or not, was to wish him happy birthday the last day of January.

I really didn’t feel ready but I knew if I let that day pass, that one opportunity, well, at least this way I could say i tried, i lived.

No response; but my body and system had a response. I pretty much cried all of the next day and the day after, the usual. So i had to start processing the closure of that chapter, and really freeing myself to what I deserve.

It took a lot, but that’s when I started, and I started via a process known as Future Visioning. Future Visioning, pretty much works by instead of your past creating your present, your future creates your present. You envision your bright future, and really feel it, then take it from there, and via Law of Attraction you will automatically be on that road to your bright future. However this process, allows you to detox all of your past emotions that you did not let yourself feel, thus that are manifesting in your life without you realizing, either through a physical ailment or (most likely repeating) circumstance.

It allows you to really feel, go through, and thus purge past emotions. You feel a lot lighter at the end and of course are reminded on many levels, that you create your own reality, which truth permeates more and more each time. After forgiving yourself etc, it’s like your in a whole new world.

Valerie, my mentor, says, there are no bad emotions, only repressed ones. Thus this process actually accelerates and makes the best possible use out of, the law of attraction by really cleaning up your vibration so that when you feel joy, it’s the most purest joyous joy ever, thus producing such results, because now your positive emotions have a cleaner place to live, etc you see.

Anywayy, went through the process and so on. Now remember, my twin flame has been on my mind and in my heart everyday since the day i met in 2008, so this process may have some layers to go through.

Later on in the month I heard that there is actually a folder on Facebook (which is where i messaged  him happy birthday) where messages from people that aren’t your friends go. Him and I aren’t friends on there. Eventually I allowed myself to entertain the idea that not only could his reply to me be in there, or maybe he didn’t get my message, but maybe he messaged me while he was in Fl like he said he would’ve and those messages are in that folder as well that I never got.

Eventually on a Monday morning, last Monday morning in fact, I was ready.

I checked.

Not only were there no messages from him to me, but it showed that he did in fact see my happy birthday wish to him the day after his birthday, and didn’t bother to reply.

I took care of everything I had to take care of, got myself to the gym, and left the gym early.

To get in my damn race car alone, and cry, my fucking, eyes out.

I cried, so hard, for what felt like 20 minutes but was probably 10. It was a good, hard cry. One of those cries where I was really asking for God, and the angels, to be with me and please give me a sign, through the sobs.

Tears streamed down my face as I just wondered and ended up asking out loud between huge hyperventilating deep breathes why I am here.

After all, I’m the only one left of my family. My sisters in Canada somewhere doing her own thing, but parents, and everyone else on the other side.

I’m 29, and my life changed when I met my twin flame.

All the shit, that happened in my life, and all the shit that happened as a result of the shit that happened in my life, my taste in men that resulted from past circumstances, who I knew myself to be, all went out the window the moment i met him. It suddenly all seemed so miniscuel, compared to the big picture. And I was not aware (that I can recall) of ever knowing the extent of the big picture in this life, until that moment.

It seemed so familiar. So incredibly familiar. As if I hadn’t even felt the meaning of the word familiar until then. Life was in color for the first time, this life.

I didn’t have the words at 22, to describe what I was feeling, but it was magical, and felt awakening. I thought to myself while trying to surpress and intellectualize this process on the elliptical, before breaking out into my car, “Why do you like him so much, why him?”

You see I’m not known, to like men at all, who aren’t chasing me, I”m smarter then that. However the soul has nothing to do with ego and when I asked myself that, trying to coax myself out of liking him with logic, the answer suddenly came to me, because it was already in me:

because when I look in his eyes, I see home.

I wasn’t the only one either, he once told me while paused in a trance looking in my eyes. I asked him what, and he said with his eyes still wide open and stuck in mine……

….”Its like when I look in your eyes……time….freezes”

I broke gaze when he said that so as to not overwhelm him, we had a connection that was…beyond this world. I didn’t know what former lifetimes were then, nor the term twin flame, but when I saw him, I knew a lot -I saw the bigger picture, and everything made sense, yet there was a magical and gracious loving mystery about it, like I wanted to know more.

It as if saw life as a square, but then i was reminded for the first time since being born, that it’s actually an infinity symbol. All connecting, and compact, but limitless.

As if I thought my town was all there is, then I got a birds eye view of Earth.

Everything made sense at that moment, time slowed down or was on pause, but a lovingly magical one.<-that was my 1111 word typed in this article by the way

So one could understand how as “trapped” as I was limiting my future to only him, i didn’t want to be freed from that. Freed from what? Heaven? He was a portal into the divine truth. Meeting him reconfirmed my belief in God.

It was, to this day, the most magical thing I have ever experienced, in this life, by far.

Years later when I discovered the term twin flame, it was the biggest sigh of my soul’s relief because it was a safe place for my love to land, and described us perfectly. As i spiritually evolved, I learned of other lifetimes etc and am always thirsty for more information to learn and grow and inspire and be inspired.

However I’m 29 now and this guy won’t give me the time of day. Did i try? Some would say no, I’m scared out of my mind. I also feel like, twin flame or not, he’s still a guy and if he wanted to he could contact me. So as far as I’m concerned, he doesn’t want to.

It would’ve been amazing, if him and I could’ve gave it a real shot, and had an amazing and growing and magical life together, simply amazing. I’m in love with his soul, he is all I ever wanted since I met him. I’ve never felt like this towards anyone ever.

However, my self love and respect has grown, and I always said, yes I want marriage and kids, but more importantly with the right person. Well, if he never comes around, then maybe he’s not the right person.

Yes, he is my twin flame, but he’s a shitty twin flame! I’m a magnificent being, and if he is dumb and ignorant enough not to give us a chance, me the best thing that could ever happen to him? Then you know what, that is no longer my problem, I will not allow it, to be my problem anymore, that’s his own shit and it’s his loss.

I tried and I cried. I cried hard, harder then I’ve ever cried (aside from the devastation of my mom’s death, etc).This was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through, and I’ve gone through the list man I’ll tell you that. This was at a soul level, and I couldn’t understand, the point of it all.

As i cried and between sobbs bursted out with the questions of why am I here and what the point was, as soon as I asked the questions I would get answers,

“to help people”

and i knew that, but at that moment, I was so upset. I’ve been through so much shit, all I ever asked was for this one thing to go right. To please allow the one thing that feeds my soul to go right. After my dad’s death, mom’s death, getting hit by a car, multiple car accidents, getting ripped away from one’s i loved, and so much more, being what professionals called, the most resilient person they have ever met, You would meet me and have no idea any of this ever happened, and I wouldn’t tell people either, I didn’t see the point.

After having what I thought was contact with the divine after meeting him, my heart and soul just wanted one thing, for this, the most natural thing I’ve ever felt, to just run smoothly. It was as if I lived in a cubicle my whole life and was then out in nature after meeting him.

So, as much as I knew I was put here to help people, my soul, was upset. I dealt with all the other shit just fine, so i thought at least give me this i swear this is all I asked for, for years.

Hard to hear your here to help people, when you’re destroyed. So i let it out.

The tears, the years of frustration, the hurt he’s caused me, how I felt hurt from God, as if He played the worst trick, last time I felt this devastated was my mom’s sudden death when I was 11. I let it all flow out, and as I did I felt them with me. Through all the pain, devastation, hurt, and perceived abandonment, I felt multiple angels by my side, and I could swear on some level I could feel God listening.

They understood and they were with me, with view of the bigger picture that I didn’t have then, but they clued me in on it. I felt it. I don’t know what the future holds, but I felt a small innate knowing, that they mustve shared with me or that i felt they knew, that this is just in the moment, you’re here for a reason, and its all happening the way it’s supposed to, you’re here for something bigger, much bigger.

I felt and suddenly had the gift to see a small glimpse and know, I was very important in the process of the movement of society, that I was going to do something great with my knowledge, that will help heal and inspire others. I also knew that I didn’t know this yet, but was paying attention to hints. I didn’t know this, the way I will know this, but I listened and they were there for me and I love them for that.

As i pulled down my car’s sun guard visor and opened the mirror through the tears I saw my eyes. They were ice green, the lightest shades of bright green I’de ever seen, making the red marks of past pain pale in comparison to what my soul holds infinitely.

I took a couple deep breathes and had to go about my day, after all I was late for another doctor appointment, and  i felt a world better.

It felt as if you know when your sick to your stomach, nauseous, etc? Then when you finally throw up, you feel a world better immediately because you just detoxed and purged whatever was still in your system to make you feel this way?

The same way I never predicted my immense reactions from merely him not responding, there was no way I would’ve ever guessed I could feel that good, that soon. I’m not saying the feeling I had was amazing by most people’s definition, but the difference in the feeling definitely was.

I felt lighter, and observed with feeling after my soul’s deep breath “Wow, I’m still here and I’m still ok” then part of me thought “I’m more then ok i’m great”. I really thought I’de die in a sense, without my soul fulfilling mate, it felt like death, and yet i’m still here. I survived. Time to feed my own soul.

I just showed myself how strong I really am, if I can get through that, I can get through anything, it’s very freeing. Yes, he’s my twin flame, that’s true; but it’s also true that we create our own reality. What we believe proceeds, and what we feel becomes real. With that said, they can both be true at the same time, and with those laws I can technically fit into my consciousness that if it’s not him, someone better will come along.

After meeting him there was no room in my consciousness to ever entertain the idea of possibly ever fathoming someone better, i didn’t think it was possible, thus it never occurred in my mind.

However now with my new found self respect and self love, I deserve someone better. Thus either he’ll come around or that someone better will, either way it’ll work out for the best, because now I know how strong I am.

I am put here for a higher purpose, not just to be someone’s mate, i’m more then that. Yes i was upset because I felt jipped in life, because I believed i deserve my soul mate, and I do. We all do. We all deserve all of the amazing things life has to offer, whatever feeds your soul. However I realized after the last time he made me cry, maybe he’s not feeding my soul anymore.

It would be great if I could feed my own soul, how freeing would that be, and you know what feeds my soul? Helping people.

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2 thoughts on “Freed

  1. I’m sorry you’ve had to work through such heart ache.
    I tend to dwell on the past, things I said or did and can’t, of course, change after the fact. I like the sound of Future Visioning, much more productive than beating the dead horse of past mistakes.

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