Hey, I just got done crying….a lot’s happened in the past few months.
I was just enjoying myself for once, by singing and recording (my true passion I tell almost no one about) and decided to delve into some old songs I loved as a kid, particularly the classic older mariah carey songs. I know all of her lyrics, to every song. This dates back to tapes.
Anyway being an avid Law of Attraction-er, I chose carefully the songs I wanted to delve into, so as to enjoy the feeling. Knowing that just by the enjoyment of the feeling, will bring more of that feeling.
What really brings the love&passion out in me like no other, is 1 thing, and that is, another secret of mine, known as my twin flame. I never speak about this to people, because unless they are a true twin flame and has met their twin flame themselves, they won’t get it. They won’t have the human capacity to get it, I know I didn’t. Before I met mine, I thought that feeling was just something Disney made up. After meeting him I realized, that Disney now has a point. So does every love song ever made, I got it then.
I believe my twin has moved back from Fl. However when i saw him in a bar in September, not knowing that, i froze. His friend invited me over, but i nicely declined. I wasn’t sure what was going on since hee himself didn’t invite me over. I felt hee really wanted to see me, he’d come to me. Then i didn’t see him at all.
The next day felt like a metaphysical breakup. I started baking, the first string of many baked goods of the month for people. Dealing with what I was going through, i hung out with one of my party crowds I’de been trying to stay away from, in an attempt to grow up, better myself, and not to mention stay safe. How many times can angels save me from the same situation?
Anyway this time an angel came in the name of Kenny, a friend I went to Immaculate Conception School with, in Eastchester/Tuchahoe over 19 years ago, . This was the school i was attending, when my mom suddenly passed. The last i saw of her was in Immaculate Conception parking lot that morning when she dropped me off; you know, before my sister and I apparently had ESP and “knew” something was up while attending separate schools yet looking for her in the nurse’s offices that we were taught never to go to, unless it was an emergency. Our mother had a very demanding job as the Assistant Dean of Cornell Medical college in the city; and that’s where she collapsed. Her last words were to her boss/colleage of 20 years Dr. Dan Alonso, the Head Dean of Cornell. He became a dear friend to my mom, and after my fathers death and his divorce, eventually fell in love with her on the down low. My mother’s last words to him were “Don’t let them take advantage of you”. He later became my guardian.
I noticed later in life how right after she died, i got into and drew inspiration from, Mariah Carey. I would sing privately to myself in my room. Now looking back, I realized she sent me someone to look up to, someone who would stay constant, through the many changes that were about to come.
Kenny now lives up around where I do, and is an SPCA cop. I bumped into him a year ago right after my twin flame moved, and I channeled my emotions into writing and poetry; thus was walking up the library steps to my Writing Club meeting. It was one of those days you don’t want to bump into anybody, no makeup, fresh from the gym, not in the mood, in your artist sphere; and yet of course I hear my name being called. Of course from someone I knew over a decade ago, from over 20 miles away, of course. He was looking great, had it together, and was seemingly professional; and I was, not.
Back to a year later, Kenny picks me up from this crowd, and makes me his girlfriend a week later. We’ve been together ever since however I still think of my twin flame everyday. Nothing will ever compare. It would be so convenient to just stay with Kenny, however, convenient for who? Conveniant for Kenny? To those around me? To my situation? Not convenient to my soul I’ll tell you that. No matter how much you try to hide it from yourself, your soul knows what it knows, and it will all come pouring out.
Hence today, singing along to a series of beautiful Mariah songs, until around the 4rth song when the lyrics were sooo on point, and hit me zoo hard, I couldn’t help but start crying.
I couldn’t help it, and I’m not sure why. Because it was in perfect alignment with how my soul feels? Not to mention perfect f*cking alignment to what actually happened the day i met my twin, 6 years ago? The lyrics to “When I saw you” were so damn on point, it was as if i wrote it myself…and then…it all came out…involuntarily
The beautiful incredibly perfect sequencing of such exact words went through my body as if it weren’t there, to to core of me, that was suddenly there, and present; having me tear, and i thought beautiful….and kept singing. Yet something was quickly welling up in my throat….because, it was so true…..true to the core of me. I didn’t just cry, I sobbed. I sobbed as if I’ve never before, for the remainder of the song. Damn, that’s truth.
And i let it record…..the way time records all of our emotions and actions, i let the it continue to record the raw emotion, the raw life. I let the recorder record my hearts truth, what my life’s been trying to hide.
Yes i know everything happens for a reason, and Kenny and I help each other out. I’m here to help him and so on. There are many people that you enjoy a time with in life, to do just that, and move on. We are all one and will all be together in the end anyway. However nothing like a twin flame.
I let the recorder record the truety of the moment. It’s weird times like this I’m reminded of my inner artist. I grew up drawing and painting etc, and like most artists, grew up to channel that energy into writing. Only an artist would do weird shit like let the recorder keep on recording as you’re crying through a song. Because sometimes it takes an artist to observe life in that way. That way that can look at a myriad of emotions, as an example of the beauty of life. Artists aren’t scared of their emotions, typically the way someone witnessing that would be, if they were to either from from it, or to it; in order to either fight or flight it.
Artists don’t try to change things, they merely observe things. I believe we all have a little of each, an inner artist etc, in us, to balance the other out. If you’re too pent up, embrace your inner artist. Otherwise sh*t like this happens, lol but luckily the inner artist comes out during this time to comfort you and tell you it’s ok. That its all a part of life. All a part of the bigger plan. The recorder recorded, what I know, is the realest thing I’ve ever felt. The recorder recorded, my soul’s pulse. The recorder recorded, life.
me to a tee, that first day I met him
“When I Saw You”
Soft, heavenly eyes, gazed into me
Transcending space, and time
And I, was rendered still
There were no words, for me to find at all
As I stood there beside myself
I could see you and no one else
When I saw you
When I saw you
I could not breathe
I fell so deep
When I saw you
When I saw you
I’d never be
I’d never be the same
Only once, in a lifetime, love rushes in
Changing you with, the tide
And dawn’s ribbon of light
Bursts through the dark
Wakening you inside
And I thought it was all untrue
Until there all at once I knew
With no beginning and
Without an end
You are the one for me
And it’s evident
And your eyes told me so
And your eyes let me know…