Something Astral

I’m on 3 dating sites as of now, and one message to me I happen to notice in passing, was an entire, almost essay, on some extremely interesting things about stars. Thus, whenever I would go on, maybe weekly, I would give this guy a slight glance, back.

I’m not a phone person but somehow I am with him. We spoke for 3 weeks and became almost attached to one another. He makes me laugh which is huge, he has an awesome personality, we definitely came from the same star or something.

Or something.

Finally we met last night, in person.

I’m so f*ckin confused, I don’t even know where to start.

I believe I overall liked him more, prior to meeting….however I can’t stop thinking about him, or what happened I’m not exactly sure.

Now everyone knows my stance on sex, see my recent “dating or whatever you call it” post.

However I’m almost inclined to do a friends with benefits thing with him, possibley. I definitely still would like to talk with him/ know him, I just don’t know if I should act in ways that would go in a relationship direction, or the friends with benefits approach…

If I went with the friends with benefits approach, theres almost no chance of ever having a successful relationship with him, however I’m not sure I want to close myself off to just him, especially because -now this is hard for me to say, -I’m not a fan of his face.

Here’s the thing, I feel HORRIBLE about this, I’m hoping it will grow on me. My spirit is struggling because I know we are all just in costumes in a sense, and his spirit is pretty cool from what I got attached to over the phone.

However some people are very focused on Bodies, and I put face before that, cause I feel that’s what you get closed to -if you had to speak physical about it.

He even makes me….in the mood, to put it nicely, I don’t understand how this is happening.

Last night I had a dream.

I was trying to fit in, with some sort of group, who seemed kind of nice to me, they happen to be chubby. We kept entering this dirty/store/building, except their friend, or whoever they know of, is the owner -a fluffly b*tchy girl, who just wouldn’t let me in for some reason, she was bias IDK, so we kept having to put masks on.

The psychi in me wanted to revolt, while part of me found it almost appealing but that may have just been a survival strategy to get through it.

I wanted out of that place but didn’t know much better beyond it. I remember the quality of it was so cr*ppy that the floors kept  breaking but that was ok there for some reason. Not only was it ok….they kept rebuilding the new floors, just to break them, I guess that was the advantage of having a cr*ppy floor or foundation, you can smash it without the feeling of bad, then just rebuild like its no problem.

However the whole scenario was making me want to gag, everything seemed a bit disgusting.

However I woke up thinking, that’s how life can be if you let it huh? Us all wearing masks and costumes, and perhaps trying to fit in. I can’t judge him by his mask, and hes definitely not trying to fit in…

O have I mentioned, my nick-name for him is Powder, because lights turn off around him.

I used to play with traffic lights a bit when focused, back in the day, I felt we have something a bit in common in the metaphysical. We love talking about all of that and the universe, he’s a great age for me he’s about to be 30, has his own place. I’m 27 and have had my own place. So much is going for this, I just….know we met for a reason, and we’ve done good for each other in certain topics so far, but I have a feeling that’s not completely it….

I’m sexually attracted to him, because he’s into, what I’m into -which I’m seriously trying, not to be into lol. I’m actually going to therapy to NOT be into this, however everyone says it’s normal.

Do I just want someone? Do I just like the way he speaks to me, what we talk about, our dynamic, and obviously if we did it-that chemistry?

Yet I signed up for something real finally, should I do this before something real? I told myself I was done with fake things, this may be what is making me sick. Yet I’m drawn to him and don’t know why. I don’t know what to do about this

this is half “50 Shades of Grey”, half “Powder”

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