A Twin Journey

twin-flame-reaching-out

Despite whatever your twin flame circumstance, time doesn’t exist,

and what’s always there, is this:

Eternally connected

And when we connect

We become bigger

We give birth to something else

We reveal, whats been there, that we couldn’t see, until we connect

Electricity is a lower word for it

More like portal

Into the bigger picture

Into other worlds

A bigger broader view

That doesn’t seem to end

And yet I don’t see where it began

Eternal must be the word

And eternal knowing

That we all know before coming into this life

That we chose to forget, in order to live our chosen existence

And yet when we connect

The power is on

And we can see

So much more

Then we ever thought possible

With our limited existence

On this plane

 

Its like looking walking past a shut tv in your living room your whole life,

As a cave person

And then when you see, your twin

You see, that theres this TV there

And when you connect, which typically will be with eye contact

 

All of a sudden, you find the remote

 

And when you really connect, with intimate eye contact

The remote turns the TV on

And you’re like woa

 

A second ago I didn’t even know I had a TV

and I was merely amazed by this specimen

 

Then it magically has light and pictures and choices and so many options

Where do the channels begin, where do they end

Nothing solid to show or display those notions

 

Nothing about this is solid

And yet its all here

 

And when you experience this, solid doesn’t even come into the equation

Some, how, it’s realer then solid

It’s realer then anything we’ve ever known here

 

Somehow theres no need for a question of wheres the physical

Because what you experience is realer then that

 

The question of that only comes in,

When you come back down to Earth

 

And when you look back at what you experience

And then try to translate it to other people

Like I’m doing right now

 

And you realize, o yea, what makes sense to us

Is all we’ve known so far here

Which is the physical

 

That’s what you think

But then

When you look back at days with your grandparents or loved ones,

Do you remember more physical things, or emotional things?

 

If you do remember something physical its because there was emotion attached to it in some way

 

Really, what’s real, is the emotions we experience here

We don’t take the physical objects with us

Only our experiences

 

It’s funny I could’ve sworn as I was writing this, I felt there was music

Then after I started writing about it being back down to Earth, it was quieter

And I noticed the difference

 

Nothing about this is solid,

and yet it’s the most solid thing I’ve ever felt

Because I didn’t feel it with my hands

I felt it with my heart

twin stars love

Wallpaper downloaded from http://lovewallpapers4u.blogspot.com/

angels, angels, and more angels

angels ascension

Angels, angels, and more angels

The other morning, I had an experience.

I’de been going through things lately that I haven’t expected.

I had an uncle who saw me as a daughter, re-enter my life after not seeing me the past 20 years, just to then say that his wife is suspicious of me.

Who has time for this sh*t.

Who has emotional time for this sh*t.

It’s like your standing in the ocean, looking towards the waves so you know what to expect, but one manifests from the side right on you suddenly that you never saw coming.

Anyway dealing with that amoung other things, knowing I’ll find meaning in all of this and an awakening in it somewhere when the time comes, I was waking up one of these mornings and had an experience I originally dismissed as my imagination or a dream of some sort.

I was in the state that may’ve been somewhere between awake and sleep, and in that state, still dealing with my emotions of the week the best way I know possible, I called out for my mom without sound.

Then I saw her, first fuzzy, then impeccably detailed. So detailed and real, it was like watching her in HD. It’s the clearest I’ve seen her since she was alive. It was shocking, how clear she was. And it hit me. Seeing her so clear, and moving, it hit me, right to the core, like “holy sh*t that’s her, so alive, in real time”

I believe she was gardening, in a greenhouse of some sort.

I’ve seen her like this before in other “dreams”, and I remember her looking clear then too –but you know how memory and time will eventually try and fade your miracles, so that your experiences will fit into the realms of the what we we’ve been taught are possible (which is why kids see a lot more then we do).

I also had those dreams where I didn’t have nearly as much knowledge that has sunk in, in the way it is now.

However I remember seeing her, gardening in the greenhouse. At the time I was sleeping at the shore of LBI, and sharing a room with my younger guy cousin. In the “dream” I saw her, gardening in a greenhouse, all so real, that again it hit me. Shocked me how it really was, her. Right there in front of me. For the first time in how long, wow. In that “dream” I never had that chance since she died (at the time) 15 or so years earlier, so I had to jump on it. I started crying for her. She was peaceful and doing her thing, but I think the sadder I got, and the more hysterical I got in this dream, the more she faded away. Leaving me in a bare, but big, cave, clutching to a wall I couldn’t grasp onto, such loaded tears pouring out.

I remember waking up, crying. In the dream I was screaming to some extent, thank God I woke up just crying a lot, since my cousin was in the next bed over, I wouldn’t want him to hear that. So I hid my intimate moment and went about my day.

At the time, I summed up the experience to the logic of Law of Attraction and Levels.

If like attracts like, I doubt my mom is in a frequency of sadness and despair the way I was, thus, the more I went in that direction, the less she could hear/see me.

Now I understand that loneliness is an illusion, as well as abandonment and isolation, all an illusion. So thus it was me, that couldn’t see her as much, due to my falling into the illusion, rather then her actually leaving anything.

Back to the present day, her facing me head-on was a blurry but beautiful image that came in and out of focus. However, her gardening, was clear as day again. I was tearing up and we starting communicating, without words.

I asked her why she doesn’t come to me.

She told me through feelings and thought, that she’s always with me, even when I don’t think so.

I said without words, and understandingly “I know”

Then I asked her why can’t she show me herself more visually when I ask for it when awake, and she answered, again without words and somehow showing me, visually and with feeling,

“We show you what you’re ready for, do you really think you’re ready for that”

As she’s saying that at first I’m saying yes, then when she becomes more 3D and clear I realized she was right again, and I said without words ok you were right, still not ready for that, not there yet.

Let me tell you this is the oddest thing. All I’ve ever thought I’ve wanted my whole life is to see her again. I’ve heard about people that see the ones that have passed on and even would get mad at her in a way for not being there for me. I thought we had a strong connection, guess I had it and she didn’t is what used to come to mind.

I used to hear they only show you what you’re ready for, I thought I was more than ready for too long…..it’s so interesting because then when push comes to shove, they always are wiser than us, they know more than we think we do.

Somehow she was right, part of me wasn’t ready and is too scared.

She basically, in a timeless fashion or flash, showed me how it would be if I saw her clearer, in front of me, by my bed, looking at me –and before she could proceed further I was like ok ok ok ok ok ok ok lol.

Could of fooled me, I would’ve never guessed the result of any of this.

A medium once told me last year that my parents are trying to weave or craft the best life for me and to keep writing. They are planting seeds for me.

Interesting how this is the second time I’ve seen her gardening.

Lastly she told me while looking at me, again, filtered so a bit what some would say is blurry, but still beautiful to me and I got her essence…

..that she loves me, a lot more than I ever thought or can imagine…

And that she’s with me all the time, even when I didn’t or don’t think so.

So technically she’s with me right now, as I’m writing this.

 

I originally dismissed this experience as a dream of some sort, but it’s interesting how it stayed peacefully strong in my mind throughout the week, regardless of time. Time did not have any effect on the memory of this “dream” like it does on other thoughts or “dreams” you may have in that state…

 

Then during one of my mental gratitude lists, a thought came to me that I’m grateful my mom visited me………

and than I was like..…..well that was interesting.….iss..that what that was….could it have been?…….maybe, if that just came to mind.

 

Whenever I “look back” on that experience, it just feels peaceful. The whole essence of it was of pure peace from the inside out.

It reaffirmed to me, that we all know more than we give ourselves credit for, if we just really listen to our inner truth, from the heart out, selves.

The answers are in the quiet within us.

Some questions I asked her, were simply answered with a look, and I’de receive a multitude of dimensions of answers from that one thing. I don’t want to say second, because I feel that we don’t measure the moment’s I felt, in time –it’s simply not in that realm, I didn’t feel it there.

It couldn’t fit in the restraints of what we know of as time. Besides time is so perceptual now a days, one word such as a “second” could mean a whole different feeling to each person.

A second in an amusement park, may go so fast you may not even notice, yet a second at the DMV –makes the moments where some of us find ourselves grateful for the saying that life is “short”.

 

Life being short, think about it, don’t we all have moments in life where we are like “short???” more like a sentence. Then there are times we look back at photo albums, and all of a sudden life’s short again.

 

As bright and shiny as I was as a teenager despite previous life events,

when someone would say “life is short” I’de think with a relieving exhale out “oh thank God”

I was bright and shiny knowing we should enjoy life, knowing our time is limited.

At the same time knowing what I signed up for definitely had an effect on me, just not letting it get the best of me. However always having an inner knowing that we are all here for a reason, a very important reason, and sometimes my way of getting through what I’ve been through is to have some spiritual humor about things because why not, life is about enjoying the journey, and having as much fun as possible carrying out your reason.

We are all here to spread cheer in some way or another again. We really shouldn’t be taking life so seriously. Do what you enjoy and enjoy what you do.

 

Remember that we all know a lot more, than we think we do. Just allow yourself to access it. It’s inside. We’re all operating and reacting from the outside noise in, when we should be proactively creating from the inside out –that’s when lasting changes happen.

 

I love you all and wish everyone the best awakening journey there is as we all continue to learn and be reminded of, what we actually may, already know.❤

 

About the Title: I believe that as much as they’re around all of us at all times, and I can’t wait for the day that we all know how to work with them. I also beleive that we are all of them, at the core, and that in each of us, is a spark of divinity that is us. After all we are from God, and what are angels, from God. God Bless us all❤

rainbow angel wings realm

What if…

pararelluniverse1exy

Kristina Antosik

When inspiration strikes….11:31pm jan 7 2016

 

What If…

 

What if there are parallel universes

And what if, when you fall asleep in one, you wake up in the other, &vice versa

 

In each one you only have memory of that one, then when you go to sleep and enter the other, you only have memory of the one you’re awake in.

 

Which may be why, after a certain time of not having sleep, one will go crazy in some way or another, it’s “human nature”

 

It’s “human nature“…or science that you’re dying in the other one

 

What if in that reality( or other universe), you had everything you dream of here?

Ironically enough, what if in that one, you dream of everything you have here..

 

What if in this one you had money, but dreamt of love,

and in the other you had love, but dreamt of money

 

What if it’s the ying to the yang

 

What if I was successful there,

what if I still had parents,

what if I had a family with kids,

what if you loved me.

 

There are times I wake up, and just want to crawl back into the dream I came from

 

There are times I wake up crying, missing the one’s that are still with me, in my dreams

 

Then there are times I am so grateful to be waking up, to the reality I’m aware of here

 

And throughout there are times, where I wake up and could sign an affidavit, that the dreams I experienced there, are the realest experiences I’ve ever felt and had,

to my knowledge, -across the board.

 

I’m not a scientist, nor a sleep specialist, in this reality anyway, so I can’t say for sure what is happening in the structure of facts.

I am however, one of the many many people, who are becoming natural metaphysicists by the mere experience of waking up. The veil is thinning people, and we are all awakening, this time in a myriad of ways.

This awakening is not a flat line going from left to right like what you are reading. This awakening has depth and dimensions that are gradually showing themselves in the most natural way, like the way a flower blooms.

At the exact pace you can receive it.

 

What if, in the other universe we are all already awakened, and our more-awakened selves are trying to encourage this univers’s selves, to also awaken to this, knowing of our existence.

Is that what lucid dreaming is, to some extent?

It’s lucid dreaming on this end, yet on the other end(/universe), you’re in a hypnotic state, and wonder why you came in that room to begin with.

 

Sound familiar?

If not think of every time you lost something.

Did you know, that every time you lose something it’s because you’re on autopilot, a.k.a. a hypnotic state?

 

Then it came out in the new age studies, that your lost keys have just popped into another universe or you popped into another universe.

 

Well….as open as I am to all possibilities, wouldn’t it make more sense, and yet still agree on every level –what if you’re on autopilot/hynotic state in one universe (the way most of us drive btw) because you’re lucid dreaming in the other (when you’de normally be sleeping not lucid dreaming or semi up). Therefore you’re not fully there (consiuos) in the one where you’re losing you’re keys anyway.

 

The object did not disappear into another universe, you were just not fully in that present universe enough to take in or remember where you put the object, because part of you is conscious as your sleeping in the other one, by lucid dreaming/or even waking up a bit; thus making you not fully awake/present/conscious in the one you’re losing things in. hence why you’re losing things.

 

Remember asleep in one, awake in the other. Lucid dreaming you’re not completely asleep, you’re still pretty conscious, therefore what would that do to your other side? Divide the consciousness. Energy can not be created nor destroyed, only transferred. You’re conciuosness is not completely getting transferred to the other side when it’s still semi here. I know when I’m not fully conscious I’m losing everything, and this is why after not enough sleep, peeps be losing their minds.

 

But on a more common level, we’re all operating on a hypnotic state a lot more than we think we are, …because we didn’t get enough sleep the night before? When is any night of sleep perfect, especially as we get older. A sleep study will surprise you.

Interesting how the more you think about it, all dots connect.

Just a theory

 

What if…

Well if thoughts become things,

and anything and everything is possible in the world of quantum physics

then it is so

and the point of this is: just think of what else is possible….anything you want,

talk about a whole new world

Speaking of sleeping, that’s where I must go now; because if this is true, my other universe’s self has lost her keys 5x by now and is probably locked out of her car, with her dog, and possibly her kids.

Goodnight,…..good morning, and good luck😉

The Ice Chapter

Kristina Antosik

iceskating-header-920x300

Figure Skating

A loaded word for me

A word that carries much more weight for me than most.

I remember it so clearly, the sound of blades on the ice, so graceful yet aggressive.

There was a peaceful stillness, among the flowing strokes, between the song routines. A peaceful stillness among the almost darkness, and among the sometimes-as-many-as a few of us, on the ice, there in Murrays Rink of Yonkers, NY.

After all, it was 5:30 in the morning.

 

Odd? Not to my sister and I. My sister Erika (who is 6 years older than me), and I resided at that rink at 530 am Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays before school. (weekends were for competitions)

Skating was not our hobby, it was our life.

As far back as I can remember, I was on skates.

I don’t remember it ever being a choice to be honest, lol, I don’t know if it’s because our dad was from Europe or what, but the minute we could walk, we were on skates.

Among skating throughout the years I had other hobbies that were fun to me like ballet, various instrument playing, gymnastics, singing –those were all fun to me because I remember having a choice in the matter.

We traveled for competitions, and won stacks of metals. We stayed at our coach Stacey’s apartment on weekends at times, she was like family to us.

By the time I was 11 I’d succeeded in a single axle and was working on my double, while Erika was working on her triple. It wasn’t until I gradually entered adulthood that I would gradually start to realize the magnitude of what was going on there.

We would’ve eventually entered the Olympics and at that time, it would’ve been perfectly normal to me. Having the spotlight on me and winning competitions was second nature to me, not from an ego standpoint but from a “my muscles hurt by the time I went to school” standpoint. Skating was breathing and had shaped me in many ways. I had been developing in more ways than one while skating as if it were walking. Thus all of this, was all I knew. Skating and I were one, we evolved together.

So why am I not an Olympic gold metalist? Well that’s the downside that comes with becoming an adult, the part they don’t tell you. As you become an adult and inevitably look back on your life, you begin the see things that have always been there but you were not aware of, for me, in this instance, it was missed opportunity.

Looking back as an adult it eventually became painfully clear to me, that I was being trained from day 1 to be a success at something, was succeeding, and then life happened.

It would’ve been the natural progression in that natural evolvement to have been in the Olympics in a matter of years and possibly won numerous times the way I’ve been doing my whole life. It would’ve been worth it.

Me making something of myself and having something to show for it, it would’ve then dawned on me as an adult, oh, this is what this was all for. It all makes sense now. Up until then I was wondering how my Assistant Dean of Cornell Medical College mom and Columbia History Philosophy Professor Dad were absolutely ape sh*t. But while sitting among my, what would’ve been and should’ve been, natural success as a obvious result at that point, it would’ve all made sense, what it was all for.

Everything would’ve tied together for me in many ways but most of all in my head, the way most does for people becoming adults and eventually and gradually understanding where there parents came from.

However like I said it pained me to look back as an adult and realize, wow, my sister and I were a blade stroke away from entering pre-olympic training if we weren’t already in it…damn. It would’ve all been worth something, it would’ve all made sense.

We spent our entire lives working for something, that at the last minute, when it was time for payday, everything fell apart.

At that time of dealing with everything falling apart, skating was the last thing on our minds.

At that point we already lost our father some years back, then our mother suddenly collapsed from an unexpected sudden brain aneurism in the stairway of Cornell, as her boss carried her running to help.

Her last words were “Don’t’ let them take advantage of you” to him.

Him being the Head Dean of Cornell, later became my legal guardian after she passed; we loved each other and still keep in contact.

However my mom’s sister wanted custody of me and I had to move to Newtown CT, in the middle of 7nth grade to enter a middle school where she was the vice principal. Fun. It was so fun in fact that eventually I got hit by a car crossing the street at age 13, trying to get to the orthodontist.

It’s ok I was fine, just a subdural hematoma, bleeding of the brain, TBI something or other ICU yadi yada, it’s fine.

Anyway, after learning to walk again, I guess that’s the time they re-tried me out at skating for the first time –great time. That is the time to do it you know, after years off the ice for the first time in your life and having to re learn to walk. Needless to say, I didn’t win that competition. Some would call me better then average, but I know what I’ve lost. Only my sister, my coach, my mom(if alive), and I, would really know the extent of how far I was, from where I’de been. I was nowhere near where I had left off in training.

Eventually I moved to Yorktown to live with my uncle and cousins at 14 and life didn’t stop there, oh the party continued, and as for Erika she eloped with our cleaning lady’s son in an escape from residing with our CT aunt, but all those fun times can be revealed in later chapters.

So when people ask about skating….it’s more of a loaded question for me than most. I want to give it the credit it deserves, and not treat the topic like it was something I hadn’t lived and breathed for my entire upbringing, however I then have to figure out how to answer the next question in a way people can take it.

“Well then, what happened, how come you guys didn’t enter the Olympics..”

I remember the first time answering this question for someone was really the first time I had a chance to face it myself. I tried to remember, it never dawned on me. I never had the emotional space or time for any of this to even enter my realm of thought or processing. I had always been too busy dealing with the next thing.

So there I was, facing it for the first time as someone asked, and I thought what happened…

“O that’s right, everyone died and I got hit by a car.” I said nonchalantly while continuing to eat my salad.

Of course whoever I was with asked what, so I naturally answered, again because this is all I know, (and it was before I had the awareness of understanding the public did not live the kind of life I did and that I have to eventually put things in a way that is easier for them to take).

“Yea I remember now, I got hit by a car and everyone was dead around me in some way or another. Did you want more salad or you good?”

How do you nonchalantly say that, people don’t, they write books if sh*t like that happens, so here I am. Here I am, the queen of finding meaning in all that has happened to me, since I had to be, for any sort of emotional survival, and in this topic it is hard to not fall into the usual pessimism adults fall into when really becoming an adult.

How to find meaning in dedicating your life to something, that would eventually looked like it was for nothing.

Here’s what I’ve derived. I may have been put here for a stronger message. We all have a message for the world, whether we express it through engineering, inventing, writing, art, sports, any way. If I had, won an Olympic metal or metals, in doing what I did, it would’ve been second nature to me. As an adult looking back of course I’m like ‘holy sh*t, wish that would’ve panned out the way it should have and it all would’ve been worth something,’

but perhaps my message is worth more.

If I had won metals second-naturedly, and they asked me how I felt, I would’ve responded in whatever way I felt was beneficial to the public being the sweet girl I was told I was and am, however in my head I would’ve felt like

“well yea I won this, because this is a result of years of pain, sacrifice, tribulation, and work. Yea, it’s only natural, what else would’ve came of this, only makes sense. Not like a won the lotto, I worked it.”

So as much as I would’ve tried to say something nice and grateful to the public, the energy of mere earning it would’ve also came through, and what did I learn there, what message is the public getting. Not much, just looks like mere math to me.

However the events that followed led me on a different path. I lost more, therefore I sought more. Seeking more led me to learn more, and now whatever message I have for the world, will be much more helpful and to a lot more people. Because everyone goes through things, but not everyone is interested in the realm of skating. However we are all in the realm of life, which is primarily what my message will be about.

My life view now is much broader than receiving a metal. My life events have lead me to learn that we are only here for a mere moment. I can’t take a metal with me, but I can take my experiences and life lessons; and what’s most important to me is that as I am learning, I am sharing with the world, and as I am sharing with the world, I continue to learn.

skate X-Games-on-Ice-1200

 

Old Pair of Pants -Hello from the Other Side

-Kristina Antosik

I started out by writing the date, initially intending to write out my routine gratitude list. However this entry rapidly turned far from routine that day..

“10/8/15 -but that doesn’t matter

Time Doesn’t Exist

It’s where you take yourself.

Such a concept becomes hard to absorb however, when my mom’s still not here.

I miss her.

A lot lately

Came across something yesterday, when looking for something else, somewhere else.

It was book I had written when I was really little and just learning to write. It was funny and cute until I came across a part that literally read

“My mama and I will grow old together like an old pair of pants…..”

That’s what she used to say to me..

Needless to say that didn’t happen. She transcended from this Earth when I wasn’t even remotely old.

11 isn’t near old.

However after that I grew up real quick.

11 isn’t old, but it was to me

That entry reminded me of how at one time she really did love me.

At one point in my life, I had a mother’s love

my mother’s love.

It’s hard to believe people love you when they leave you.

“Accidentally” or not, when it happens repeatedly in your life, thinking of or excusing such heartbreaking incidents as accidents, gets real old to your broken heart.

The amount of deaths & near death experiences I had when I was young, spurred me into enhancing my spiritual development info in my 20’s

which taught me that there are no accidents.

There are no accidents, or coincidences, just angels.

Thus from what I’ve gathered and learned, eventually the info led to me accepting the fact that on some (deep)level she knew or chose that she was leaving then,

and thus so did my dad, when I was 6.

Yet on that same note, (of where I learned they chose that) theoretically, I did too.

The same way they chose their lives, I chose mine, which apparently included that.

I understand how this may seem controversial to those who have yet to hear of such theories prior, however as much as life is about lessons, it’s also about love.

So whether I chose that to learn how to be on my own, or to help spur my learning and theorizing on human kind and pass on the info on exactly what can empower people, it still hurts.

I’m still a human, I still feel abandoned when I’m alone and have no one to talk to, particularly during crucial points of my life where typically people can go to at least one of their parents.

Typically people venture out to become adults and do as much as they can. When they can’t take it anymore, they fall back into their parents arms –metaphorically or not, and when emotionally recharged in some way, they venture back out. This happens at least once, usually multiple times depending.

I never got to have those recharge moments.

No arms to safely fall in to.

No ears to confide in that could love no matter what, in a way only a parent would.

I just prayed and

had to make it, end of story.

I had to be completely on my own emotionally from 11 on, while being there for others as they grieved, the loss of my mother.

However those experiences allowed something to grow in me, that may have not grown otherwise.

My instincts enhanced and my already heightened intuition had risen to such a level that I had+have dreams that come true, knowing things before people tell me, looking at someone and knowing/sensing a lot, amoung many other things that I won’t mention but most imperitavley, the curiousity of it all, which helped me develop more and more everyday through learning etc.

 

So perhaps this is not the end of the story.

In essence, it may’ve been the end of part 1, enabling me to proceed to part 2.

 

We used to say we’de grow old together, like an old pair of pants..

11 isn’t old, but became old to me.

In essence my soul continues to grow, I continue to acknowledge signs from that realm, and my mom and I continue to develop out own communicative language.

You know more then you realize, if you just let yourself be aware of it.

It didn’t look like she was with me when I got hit by that car, or in all of those accidents, however maybe it is because she was with me, that I’m still here.

 

We used to say we’de grow old together like an old pair of pants, we’ll maybe I am.

Maybe I’m still growing and being guided by her.

And like her, I hope I age gracefully

And like an old pair of pants, our metaphysical partnership just gets better and better with age.

 

The signs are everywhere, you just have to let yourself see them, and when you do you’ll know. Chills and bumps will cover you, and you’ll know something more then you ever thought you could. It’ll be personal and you’ll know.

 

I let myself listen to that new Adelle song for the first time; and although the video depicts that it’s possibly about and ex or old friend, I received a much deeper message, from the other side. So deep that my body became covered with bumps and chills and the waterfall from within flowed without warning, a good release, and communication made. Communication so real, that it had that effect. It felt like the first contact in years. You’ll hear it, you’ll feel it, it’s touching beyond words.

 

The way I look at it and tell others who have lost, is that she’s with me more now. Whoever you lost is always with you, and more genuinely.

As humans, we’re always so distracted by the physical, however that’s all just temporary. What is everlasting is our souls.

When she was a human she worked too much anyway.

As an angel, she’s with me more now.

They’re with you more now.”

 

 

ADELE LYRICS

Play Music

“Hello”

Hello, it’s me
I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet
To go over everything
They say that time’s supposed to heal ya, but I ain’t done much healingHello, can you hear me?
I’m in California dreaming about who we used to be
When we were younger and free
I’ve forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet

There’s such a difference between us
And a million miles

Hello from the other side
I must’ve called a thousand times
To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I’ve tried
To tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart
But it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart
Anymore

Hello, how are you?
It’s so typical of me to talk about myself, I’m sorry
I hope that you’re well
Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened?

It’s no secret that the both of us
Are running out of time

So hello from the other side
I must’ve called a thousand times
To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I’ve tried
To tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart
But it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart
Anymore, ooooohh
Anymore, ooooohh
Anymore, ooooohh
Anymore, anymore

Hello from the other side
I must’ve called a thousand times
To tell you I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done
But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I’ve tried
To tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart
But it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart
Anymore

 

Approaching Summer While Approaching 30…..…….What The F#Ck is going on

Approaching Summer While Approaching 30

-What the FUCK is going on

eyes30

-KrisTina Antosik

To bar or not to bar, kill me

I’ve been told time and time again you will not find long term relationship at a bar.

However I believe I have developed a long term relationship with wine

Twin Flame, F*ck Flame

Where is he now

besides my heart

Yet my heart and I are not going to produce kids

Why do I still feel like a kid

And yet not

Trying to get a house

With an income the size of a mouse

Kill me

But Love me

Anyone and anything love me

I need as much as I can right now

Except for you,

You I need to break up with

Your amazing,

But bc I’mm (insert whatever word you would like here)

I can’t see you as rest-of-my-life material

Which means, at this age, u gots to get off my path

His sense of humour’s amazing

But then what

Rest of my life requires more dimensions

He loves me

I color-in his book

But I’m exausted and bored of doing all the coloring

Its very predictable

I want someone to color-in my book

What ever happened to co-coloring

So leave I must, and please let me go

You know I love you, this we know

Which is why its been hard for me, to let myself go

But for myself I must

And for myself this is just

Myself I must trust

You see when I hear love songs, I don’t think of him.

I gave it a 7 month shot.

Now it’s time to give me a shot

A shot at 23 consisted of whiskey

I wish it were that simple now, but it’s not

I need to give myself a shot at life

A real shot at love

And if not with another person,

Then with myself is enough

Approaching 30 has you realize

There’s no more room for pretending

or adjusting your likes to nearby guys

Approaching 30 sharpens your vision

And has you look toward the skies

Up we grow and up we go

No more time for lies

I can see right through them now you see

No more time to try and deny

Now’s the time to be honest with yourself

Before your whole life becomes a lie

Figure out what you really want now

Because we are only given so much time

eyes30

Freed

11230-freedom-girl

Well it’s been a time, I’ll tell you that.

I’ve basically been processing the closure of a huge part of my life, as some of you already know as twin flame.

I had to, for myself. Every time i bumped into him or had any interaction I’de end up crying. Finally my last attempt, whether I felt i was ready for it or not, was to wish him happy birthday the last day of January.

I really didn’t feel ready but I knew if I let that day pass, that one opportunity, well, at least this way I could say i tried, i lived.

No response; but my body and system had a response. I pretty much cried all of the next day and the day after, the usual. So i had to start processing the closure of that chapter, and really freeing myself to what I deserve.

It took a lot, but that’s when I started, and I started via a process known as Future Visioning. Future Visioning, pretty much works by instead of your past creating your present, your future creates your present. You envision your bright future, and really feel it, then take it from there, and via Law of Attraction you will automatically be on that road to your bright future. However this process, allows you to detox all of your past emotions that you did not let yourself feel, thus that are manifesting in your life without you realizing, either through a physical ailment or (most likely repeating) circumstance.

It allows you to really feel, go through, and thus purge past emotions. You feel a lot lighter at the end and of course are reminded on many levels, that you create your own reality, which truth permeates more and more each time. After forgiving yourself etc, it’s like your in a whole new world.

Valerie, my mentor, says, there are no bad emotions, only repressed ones. Thus this process actually accelerates and makes the best possible use out of, the law of attraction by really cleaning up your vibration so that when you feel joy, it’s the most purest joyous joy ever, thus producing such results, because now your positive emotions have a cleaner place to live, etc you see.

Anywayy, went through the process and so on. Now remember, my twin flame has been on my mind and in my heart everyday since the day i met in 2008, so this process may have some layers to go through.

Later on in the month I heard that there is actually a folder on Facebook (which is where i messaged  him happy birthday) where messages from people that aren’t your friends go. Him and I aren’t friends on there. Eventually I allowed myself to entertain the idea that not only could his reply to me be in there, or maybe he didn’t get my message, but maybe he messaged me while he was in Fl like he said he would’ve and those messages are in that folder as well that I never got.

Eventually on a Monday morning, last Monday morning in fact, I was ready.

I checked.

Not only were there no messages from him to me, but it showed that he did in fact see my happy birthday wish to him the day after his birthday, and didn’t bother to reply.

I took care of everything I had to take care of, got myself to the gym, and left the gym early.

To get in my damn race car alone, and cry, my fucking, eyes out.

I cried, so hard, for what felt like 20 minutes but was probably 10. It was a good, hard cry. One of those cries where I was really asking for God, and the angels, to be with me and please give me a sign, through the sobs.

Tears streamed down my face as I just wondered and ended up asking out loud between huge hyperventilating deep breathes why I am here.

After all, I’m the only one left of my family. My sisters in Canada somewhere doing her own thing, but parents, and everyone else on the other side.

I’m 29, and my life changed when I met my twin flame.

All the shit, that happened in my life, and all the shit that happened as a result of the shit that happened in my life, my taste in men that resulted from past circumstances, who I knew myself to be, all went out the window the moment i met him. It suddenly all seemed so miniscuel, compared to the big picture. And I was not aware (that I can recall) of ever knowing the extent of the big picture in this life, until that moment.

It seemed so familiar. So incredibly familiar. As if I hadn’t even felt the meaning of the word familiar until then. Life was in color for the first time, this life.

I didn’t have the words at 22, to describe what I was feeling, but it was magical, and felt awakening. I thought to myself while trying to surpress and intellectualize this process on the elliptical, before breaking out into my car, “Why do you like him so much, why him?”

You see I’m not known, to like men at all, who aren’t chasing me, I”m smarter then that. However the soul has nothing to do with ego and when I asked myself that, trying to coax myself out of liking him with logic, the answer suddenly came to me, because it was already in me:

because when I look in his eyes, I see home.

I wasn’t the only one either, he once told me while paused in a trance looking in my eyes. I asked him what, and he said with his eyes still wide open and stuck in mine……

….”Its like when I look in your eyes……time….freezes”

I broke gaze when he said that so as to not overwhelm him, we had a connection that was…beyond this world. I didn’t know what former lifetimes were then, nor the term twin flame, but when I saw him, I knew a lot -I saw the bigger picture, and everything made sense, yet there was a magical and gracious loving mystery about it, like I wanted to know more.

It as if saw life as a square, but then i was reminded for the first time since being born, that it’s actually an infinity symbol. All connecting, and compact, but limitless.

As if I thought my town was all there is, then I got a birds eye view of Earth.

Everything made sense at that moment, time slowed down or was on pause, but a lovingly magical one.<-that was my 1111 word typed in this article by the way

So one could understand how as “trapped” as I was limiting my future to only him, i didn’t want to be freed from that. Freed from what? Heaven? He was a portal into the divine truth. Meeting him reconfirmed my belief in God.

It was, to this day, the most magical thing I have ever experienced, in this life, by far.

Years later when I discovered the term twin flame, it was the biggest sigh of my soul’s relief because it was a safe place for my love to land, and described us perfectly. As i spiritually evolved, I learned of other lifetimes etc and am always thirsty for more information to learn and grow and inspire and be inspired.

However I’m 29 now and this guy won’t give me the time of day. Did i try? Some would say no, I’m scared out of my mind. I also feel like, twin flame or not, he’s still a guy and if he wanted to he could contact me. So as far as I’m concerned, he doesn’t want to.

It would’ve been amazing, if him and I could’ve gave it a real shot, and had an amazing and growing and magical life together, simply amazing. I’m in love with his soul, he is all I ever wanted since I met him. I’ve never felt like this towards anyone ever.

However, my self love and respect has grown, and I always said, yes I want marriage and kids, but more importantly with the right person. Well, if he never comes around, then maybe he’s not the right person.

Yes, he is my twin flame, but he’s a shitty twin flame! I’m a magnificent being, and if he is dumb and ignorant enough not to give us a chance, me the best thing that could ever happen to him? Then you know what, that is no longer my problem, I will not allow it, to be my problem anymore, that’s his own shit and it’s his loss.

I tried and I cried. I cried hard, harder then I’ve ever cried (aside from the devastation of my mom’s death, etc).This was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through, and I’ve gone through the list man I’ll tell you that. This was at a soul level, and I couldn’t understand, the point of it all.

As i cried and between sobbs bursted out with the questions of why am I here and what the point was, as soon as I asked the questions I would get answers,

“to help people”

and i knew that, but at that moment, I was so upset. I’ve been through so much shit, all I ever asked was for this one thing to go right. To please allow the one thing that feeds my soul to go right. After my dad’s death, mom’s death, getting hit by a car, multiple car accidents, getting ripped away from one’s i loved, and so much more, being what professionals called, the most resilient person they have ever met, You would meet me and have no idea any of this ever happened, and I wouldn’t tell people either, I didn’t see the point.

After having what I thought was contact with the divine after meeting him, my heart and soul just wanted one thing, for this, the most natural thing I’ve ever felt, to just run smoothly. It was as if I lived in a cubicle my whole life and was then out in nature after meeting him.

So, as much as I knew I was put here to help people, my soul, was upset. I dealt with all the other shit just fine, so i thought at least give me this i swear this is all I asked for, for years.

Hard to hear your here to help people, when you’re destroyed. So i let it out.

The tears, the years of frustration, the hurt he’s caused me, how I felt hurt from God, as if He played the worst trick, last time I felt this devastated was my mom’s sudden death when I was 11. I let it all flow out, and as I did I felt them with me. Through all the pain, devastation, hurt, and perceived abandonment, I felt multiple angels by my side, and I could swear on some level I could feel God listening.

They understood and they were with me, with view of the bigger picture that I didn’t have then, but they clued me in on it. I felt it. I don’t know what the future holds, but I felt a small innate knowing, that they mustve shared with me or that i felt they knew, that this is just in the moment, you’re here for a reason, and its all happening the way it’s supposed to, you’re here for something bigger, much bigger.

I felt and suddenly had the gift to see a small glimpse and know, I was very important in the process of the movement of society, that I was going to do something great with my knowledge, that will help heal and inspire others. I also knew that I didn’t know this yet, but was paying attention to hints. I didn’t know this, the way I will know this, but I listened and they were there for me and I love them for that.

As i pulled down my car’s sun guard visor and opened the mirror through the tears I saw my eyes. They were ice green, the lightest shades of bright green I’de ever seen, making the red marks of past pain pale in comparison to what my soul holds infinitely.

I took a couple deep breathes and had to go about my day, after all I was late for another doctor appointment, and  i felt a world better.

It felt as if you know when your sick to your stomach, nauseous, etc? Then when you finally throw up, you feel a world better immediately because you just detoxed and purged whatever was still in your system to make you feel this way?

The same way I never predicted my immense reactions from merely him not responding, there was no way I would’ve ever guessed I could feel that good, that soon. I’m not saying the feeling I had was amazing by most people’s definition, but the difference in the feeling definitely was.

I felt lighter, and observed with feeling after my soul’s deep breath “Wow, I’m still here and I’m still ok” then part of me thought “I’m more then ok i’m great”. I really thought I’de die in a sense, without my soul fulfilling mate, it felt like death, and yet i’m still here. I survived. Time to feed my own soul.

I just showed myself how strong I really am, if I can get through that, I can get through anything, it’s very freeing. Yes, he’s my twin flame, that’s true; but it’s also true that we create our own reality. What we believe proceeds, and what we feel becomes real. With that said, they can both be true at the same time, and with those laws I can technically fit into my consciousness that if it’s not him, someone better will come along.

After meeting him there was no room in my consciousness to ever entertain the idea of possibly ever fathoming someone better, i didn’t think it was possible, thus it never occurred in my mind.

However now with my new found self respect and self love, I deserve someone better. Thus either he’ll come around or that someone better will, either way it’ll work out for the best, because now I know how strong I am.

I am put here for a higher purpose, not just to be someone’s mate, i’m more then that. Yes i was upset because I felt jipped in life, because I believed i deserve my soul mate, and I do. We all do. We all deserve all of the amazing things life has to offer, whatever feeds your soul. However I realized after the last time he made me cry, maybe he’s not feeding my soul anymore.

It would be great if I could feed my own soul, how freeing would that be, and you know what feeds my soul? Helping people.

How I Met Your Future

-KrisTina Antosik

beautiful stars beach

There’s going to be a day when I’m going to be looking my kids in the eyes and saying,

“I know it’s very hard to believe, trust me I get it, but I’ve lived it; but yes there was once a time where people still existed, that chose not to believe they were the creators of their own reality. I can’t believe i existed in that time either, it seems so far away and yet it isn’t.

I didn’t understand my role during this time; how could I exist in a world that contained people that chose not to believe this? Well, apparently that’s exactly where I came in. I was part of a movement.

I felt the innate drive to share this basic info with them. Before this knowledge we were all under the impression that we were merely getting tossed around in the ocean of life, hoping an ore or lifesaver happens to float our way by luck or chance. Little did we know, we created it all.

The knowledge that one’s reality is a direct reflection of one’s thoughts, thus feelings and beliefs, was not only both ore’s, but the ship and the lifesaver itself to say the least. Finally, we’ve found the tools to create and navigate through this life that we’ve all found ourselves in, how do you not want to share it?

As soon as I learned it, I tried to share it. When I first learned it, I lived in an age where people weren’t so receptive of it. As insane as I inwardly thought they were, I had to be patient and just tried different approaches with them. I was literally throwing these people life jackets as they were drowning in their life, and taking them to shore, and they were like no, I want to stay in this problem.

I started to wonder what the f*ck. However, me trying to psychoanalyze human behavior, aka sometimes insanity, wasn’t going to help anyone because I was just never going to understand why, they wouldn’t want to realize their power to create and cure etc. I’m enlightening them to the magic we all possess and they said no. I’ll never understand that, I could create a comedy out of it. All I could do is get over the fact that i’m stuck here in a world with people that exist like that, and be patient and try different approaches.

And different approaches I tried. I clearly had to speak whatever language resonated uniquely to each individual for years. Exhausted as I was, it still fed my soul to do so. Then one day… people started to catch on.

I would exhaustedly and passively bait with whatever soul energy I had left or survived the years of people’s ignorance, and they would surprisingly bite and catch on. I was so spent I almost didn’t notice. (They were thanking me! Which wasn’t what I was looking for, but just the knowing that they got it, fed my soul enough, ) God Bless the movement.

What a sigh and sign of relief. I would’ve kept going anyway for it’s part of my life mission. I feel we all have a life mission to help the world in some way and you’ll know it when you find it, you’ll feel it (it’ll feed your soul).

However inwardly astonished I was at how when handing over the tools of life that once realized, will instantly change and save their lives and them rejecting it, my only guess is that they just didn’t believe in it. However why not try for one’s life’s sake? Isn’t each life worth it? They literally had nothing to lose, except for their ideal lives, if they didn’t try it.

As much as closed minds don’t prosper, its worth it in the end if you managed to reach something, very casually, without them realizing it, that opens their minds just enough, so that perhaps they’ll research it themselves, and change their lives.

You choose what you believe, you choose your truth, but i’ll tell you this, there are some laws on this planet you cannot change: gravity, and that what you feed your attention to grows in the direction of how you feel about it, aka the law of attraction.

So yes kids, there was once a time when people existed that chose not to believe that you create your own reality, while they created their own reality. What you believe, will happen. Everyday people are creating their own reality  through their thoughts and feelings, no matter what. If they choose to customize their reality to their liking, they can. My hope is, they will.

It’s happening everyday, all day, in every way. So either they choose to live by default, or choose to live on purpose. Considering we all have a purpose, I hope they choose the second option so as to live it out in the best way they can possibly conjure. Why not customize your life? We are only as far, as we allow our thoughts, feelings, and hearts, to take us.

Luckily kids, that time was once upon a time, thank God, because I, and many other awakened ones (aka fellow indigos, star seeds, twin flames, etc), that are growing by the minute, have assisted in the evolution of the planet. Because of this law, you will awaken to what you truly want, and everything else will follow and flow -it’s contagious.

Evolution and Ascension are contagious to the survivors.

So yes they’re was a day, where not everyone caught the f*ck on. However I knew that day, that I’de see the day, where the world has been enlightened on how we aren’t just a result of our lives, but how our lives are a result of us. I knew then, that I’de see that day (that I’m describing as if it’s now), because the day I wrote this is now.”

I’ve always found the lyrics to this song very powerful due to their truth and more importantly, the knowledge of it.

We go hideaway in daylight
We go undercover, wait out the sun
Got a secret side in plain sight
Where the streets are empty
That’s where we run

Everyday people do
Everyday things, but I
Can’t be one of them
I know you hear me now
We are a different kind
We can do anything

We could be heroes
We could be heroes
Me and you
We could be heroes
We could be heroes
Me and you
We could be

Anybody’s got the power
They don’t see it
‘Cause they don’t understand
Spinning round and round for hours
You and me we got the world in our hands

Everyday people do
Everyday things but I
Can’t be one of them
I know you hear me now
We are a different kind
We can do anything

We could be heroes
We could be heroes
Me and you
We could be heroes
We could be heroes
Me and you
We could be

We could be heroes
We could be heroes
Me and you
We could be

All we’re looking for is love and a little light
Love and a little light
(We could be)
All we’re looking for is love and a little light
Love and a little light

We could be heroes
We could be heroes
Me and you
We could be

1 World, 1 Heart #foundinNYC

nyc

A couple years ago I was in the subway station at night in NYC, getting lost while getting found like we all do in NY, when I heard the most beautiful tune I’ve ever heard, or at least in years. It struck a chord in me that hadn’t ever been struck, and awakened me in such a way, that was very timeless.

I felt in harmony with it, and was drawn to this beautiful music that was (clearly to me)straight from the soul. Luckily, it happened to be on the subway that I needed to take, otherwise I would’ve been led astray. However in that music I was found.

I don’t remember the exact lyrics but they kept leading to a chorus that went something like “or am I just talking to the moon?/…”, and the tune was, really something from the heart. As I looked around the subway, everyone was silent. Each person was only about an inch or less apart from the other; and yet they all usually couldn’t be seemingly farther away from one another, in terms of what they’re thinking, in these recurrent crowded situations. Everyone’s seemingly on autopilot, always.

Yet they all were silent; and with this music, I believe there was a mutual respect for the truth coming out of this singer’s soul, hence the silence. Whether they wanted to show it or not, each person’s soul leaked out even in the slightest, through their heavily filtered, usual, autopilot masks, that are worn by default. Everyone was touched, as I looked at them, I saw. We’d make eye contact and I knew it. I saw on them, that no matter what our profession, or how different our costumes may seem, that we all want the same thing. We all love, want love, and/or have love to give.

I had tremendous genuine respect for the most raw genuine passion seeping from this man in the most artistic way. He made love, or even the pain of sometimes being in love, or alone in love, beautiful. He really displayed the beauty of the human experience.

And as I looked at him, he sang happily, his words and sound touching my soul. He was in his element, and it was contagious to the entire, now unified, subway. His sound emitted his energy that was so genuine and from the heart, that it spread over the entire subway; and we all knew in some form or another, that at the core, we are all the same, beautiful, loving, creatures, that merely want love. In that moment, we were all stripped of our costumes and emotiCON’s that we wear everyday, con being the key word there, and we were all real, and present. It was beautiful.

The, what I consider a true artist, and I made eye contact as he sang and I got it. We connected. He looked at me knowingly, happily, and wise, like an angel would, his mind nodding. He was a beautiful display of life, and I hope my eye contact displayed appreciation for him; and conveyed to him that even though others may not show it, I got it. Although his energy was so perpetually happy and passionate he didn’t need anyone’s approval, he knew he was singing truth; but I wanted that light to always shine so I gave it genuine love that we all need in life regardless, and that we all deserve despite sometimes not so clearly, but he clearly did.

As I looked at him with utter respect for his passion, I saw myself, not just in him, but during times of my life. As he sang “or am I just talking to the moon/..?“I saw a vision of myself several years prior, paused outside of my childhood home in Mount Vernon in the snow at night while walking “home”(a room i then rented) yet searching for a sense of home. I remember looking at it, being the only one in a deserted street with 2 feet of snow, as it gently fell in the dark. I hadn’t lived there since I was 11, I was then in my early 20’s. It seemed like a different lifetime when that was my home, and in fact, it was my last home; when my parent’s were alive, when my sister and I lived in the same country, let alone under the same roof. I wondered if it was all a dream, the life i once had, the family I once had, the home I once belonged to. The only comfort or company i had then, was the moon and stars above me. They were in fact, the only thing/s that were the same or remained current, as that time.

I saw myself years prior in my former Mount Vernon apartment when I was a smoker. When I would hang out on a couch cushion on the kitchen floor of my 2nd/3rd story apartment. At least one arms outside of the window while gazing out at the moon every night, best of both worlds. I would look up at the stars and the moon, full of questions that they would somehow ease.

I saw myself, a few years later, before the first scene. In fact this next scenario caused the first scene… I used to record video’s for the sake of learning media and videography etc/an internship project. To practice, I recorded many parts of my life. During this time i met what I now know is, my twin flame, yet at the time the experience blew my mind. One video that never made it out, was one where i finally let my true emotions flow and allowed myself to feel my innocent and loving soul cry for this man softly. I had so much love for him that I never had for another, and that I didn’t understand because he was so mean to me, and yet nothing could touch that love I had for him. It was hard because I found him judgmental, yet my soul seemed to know different of him. I mean who wants to deal with this lol talk about complex, yet my love for him was the simplest thing I’ve ever known, and i then knew how beautiful simplicity could be. I never told him or showed him, anything he saw was a tough front of mine; but this video had my true soul leaking, and crying the true sorrow of unconditional yet hurt, love. All those times I sang to myself my soul’s private truth, wondering if it would ever reach him or if i was “just talking to the moon”.

All of these past incidents became current in a flash, to the surface of my mind, as I listened to the music of the soul, that resonated with me. We continued to have one of those unifying moments as I looked at him, that despite all of our different formulas of experience that make us, us, there is still something the same in all of us at the core. The energy would state, as eye contact graciously confirmed, how we both recognized at that moment, that we are all, one at heart.

stars-and-moon

Life Records

Hey, I just got done crying….a lot’s happened in the past few months.

I was just enjoying myself for once, by singing and recording (my true passion I tell almost no one about) and decided to delve into some old songs I loved as a kid, particularly the classic older mariah carey songs. I know all of her lyrics, to every song. This dates back to tapes.

Anyway being an avid Law of Attraction-er, I chose carefully the songs I wanted to delve into, so as to enjoy the feeling. Knowing that just by the enjoyment of the feeling, will bring more of that feeling.

What really brings the love&passion out in me like no other, is 1 thing, and that is, another secret of mine, known as my twin flame. I never speak about this to people, because unless they are a true twin flame and has met their twin flame themselves, they won’t get it. They won’t have the human capacity  to get it, I know I didn’t. Before I met mine, I thought that feeling was just something Disney made up. After meeting him I realized, that Disney now has a point. So does every love song ever made, I got it then.

I believe my twin has moved back from Fl. However when i saw him in a bar in September, not knowing that, i froze. His friend invited me over, but i nicely declined. I wasn’t sure what was going on since hee himself didn’t invite me over. I felt hee really wanted to see me, he’d come to me. Then i didn’t see him at all.

The next day felt like a metaphysical breakup. I started baking, the first string of many baked goods of the month for people. Dealing with what I was going through, i hung out with one of my party crowds I’de been trying to stay away from, in an attempt to grow up, better myself, and not to mention stay safe. How many times can angels save me from the same situation?

Anyway this time an angel came in the name of Kenny, a friend I went to Immaculate Conception School with, in Eastchester/Tuchahoe over 19 years ago, . This was the school i was attending, when my mom suddenly passed. The last i saw of her was in Immaculate Conception parking lot that morning when she dropped me off;  you know, before my sister and I apparently had ESP and “knew” something was up while attending separate schools yet looking for her in the nurse’s offices that we were taught never to go to, unless it was an emergency. Our mother had a very demanding job as the Assistant Dean of Cornell Medical college in the city; and that’s where she collapsed. Her last words were to her boss/colleage of 20 years Dr. Dan Alonso, the Head Dean of Cornell. He became a dear friend to my mom, and after my fathers death and his divorce, eventually fell in love with her on the down low. My mother’s last words to him were “Don’t let them take advantage of you”. He later became my guardian.

I noticed later in life how right after she died, i got into and drew inspiration from, Mariah Carey. I would sing privately to myself in my room. Now looking back, I realized she sent me someone to look up to, someone who would stay constant, through the many changes that were about to come.

Kenny now lives up around where I do, and is an SPCA cop. I bumped into him a year ago right after my twin flame moved, and I channeled my emotions into writing and poetry; thus was walking up the library steps to my Writing Club meeting. It was one of those days you don’t want to bump into anybody, no makeup, fresh from the gym, not in the mood, in your artist sphere; and yet of course I  hear my name being called.  Of course from someone I knew over a decade ago, from over 20 miles away, of course. He was looking great, had it together, and was seemingly professional; and I was, not.

Back to a year later, Kenny picks me up from this crowd, and makes me his girlfriend a week later. We’ve been together ever since however I still think of my twin flame everyday. Nothing will ever compare. It would be so convenient to just stay with Kenny, however, convenient for who? Conveniant for Kenny? To those around me? To my situation? Not convenient to my soul I’ll tell you that. No matter how much you try to hide it from yourself, your soul knows what it knows, and it will all come pouring out.

Hence today, singing along to a series of beautiful Mariah songs, until around the 4rth song when the lyrics were sooo on point, and hit me zoo hard, I couldn’t help but start crying.

I couldn’t help it, and I’m not sure why. Because it was in perfect alignment with how my soul feels? Not to mention perfect f*cking alignment to what actually happened the day i met my twin, 6 years ago? The lyrics to “When I saw you” were so damn on point, it was as if i wrote it myself…and then…it all came out…involuntarily

The beautiful incredibly perfect sequencing of such exact words went through my body as if it weren’t there, to to core of me, that was suddenly there, and present; having me tear, and i thought beautiful….and kept singing. Yet something was quickly welling up in my throat….because, it was so true…..true to the core of me. I didn’t just cry, I sobbed. I sobbed as if I’ve never before, for the remainder of the song. Damn, that’s truth.

And i let it record…..the way time records all of our emotions and actions, i let the it continue to record the raw emotion, the raw life. I let the recorder record my hearts truth, what my life’s been trying to hide.

Yes i know everything happens for a reason, and Kenny and I help each other out. I’m here to help him and so on. There are many people that you enjoy a time with in life, to do just that, and move on. We are all one and will all be together in the end anyway. However nothing like a twin flame.

I let the recorder record the truety of the moment. It’s weird times like this I’m reminded of my inner artist. I grew up drawing and painting etc, and like most artists, grew up to channel that energy into writing. Only an artist would do weird shit like let the recorder keep on recording as you’re crying through a song. Because sometimes it takes an artist to observe life in that way. That way that can look at a myriad of emotions, as an example of the beauty of life. Artists aren’t scared of their emotions, typically the way someone witnessing that would be, if they were to either from from it, or to it; in order to either fight or flight it.

Artists don’t try to change things, they merely observe things. I believe we all have a little of each, an inner artist etc, in us, to balance the other out. If you’re too pent up, embrace your inner artist. Otherwise sh*t like this happens, lol but luckily the inner artist comes out during this time to comfort you and tell you it’s ok. That its all a part of life. All a part of the bigger plan. The recorder recorded, what I know, is the realest thing I’ve ever felt. The recorder recorded, my soul’s pulse. The recorder recorded, life.

me to a tee, that first day I met him

“When I Saw You”

Soft, heavenly eyes, gazed into me
Transcending space, and time
And I, was rendered still
There were no words, for me to find at all
As I stood there beside myself
I could see you and no one else

[Chorus:]
When I saw you
When I saw you
I could not breathe
I fell so deep
When I saw you
When I saw you
I’d never be
I’d never be the same

Only once, in a lifetime, love rushes in
Changing you with, the tide
And dawn’s ribbon of light
Bursts through the dark
Wakening you inside
And I thought it was all untrue
Until there all at once I knew

[Chorus]

With no beginning and
Without an end
You are the one for me
And it’s evident
And your eyes told me so
And your eyes let me know…

[Chorus]

#queserraserra