Preparing For the Unpreparable
If death was a sport, I should be an Olympian, and yet…I’m not. Each experience and circumstance is one in it’s very own, and the muscle we used to deal with it is just as freshly affected as if it were the first time, the heart.
The Corlieto’s have been raising me since I was 2months old, and have been more family to me than anyone. They consider me one of their own, and my heart never knew any different. Part of my losses as a kid was being ripped away from them during various parts of my life, which apparently was just as traumatic to them.
It was the memories of reuniting with them previously, that kept my being going, during the hardest of times in my life –even during the times when I had yet to be reunited with them yet again.
The hope of that enlivened me. It was my float in this ocean of life, the divine grace felt to my core that I clung to. During the trenches that left me no hope, this was my hope.
When there was no hope I found it, and allowed myself to feel it, despite the complete lack of evidence of it. I prayed, and allowed myself to feel the grace blooming, like a divine flower blooming of and with hope and grace. I remember this at age 12, I would cling to the image in my mind of a flower, blooming timelessly, with a theme each time that my soul needed most: grace, faith, trust, relief, ease. This was all I had, this was my emotional antibiotic.
Before I knew anything of what I do now, I grasped blindly at straws, because that’s all I could do. What’s interesting is every time someone close passes, I feel I’m doing the same thing. No matter how many times I experience it, or help people through it as much as I can, when it comes to personal experience I still feel like I’m attempting to get out of a hole with my bare hands.
So here we are, after losing my parents and so many others, I should be a pro right? Well facing the loss of Big Bob (the father in the Corlieto’s, and the closest thing to a father I’ve ever had (for my particular life)) reminds me of the raw-ity and yet divinity of the human experience we all face by residing here on Earth.
After what feels like drowning in my tears, Ide been washed up onto my bed to wake to a majestic Sunday morning where the sun shown so brightly at an angle on the gracefully and sometimes beautifully aggressively, falling snow flakes.
Each snow flake is it’s own unique beautiful unit of nature, like our experiences, in abundance, representing the cleansing and healing motion of life and it’s abundance of new possibilities.
As I lay there, washed up onto my shore of hope, feeling like I’ve awoken from a drowning –just as drained, I remember the reality I reside in –he didn’t even go yet.
This was just the result of being told the day before that it’s any day now, after years of clinging on to any shred of hope we could find.
He didn’t even go yet, and yet most of him has ….but he will never go.
Bc what I do know from previous losses, is that no one actually ever “goes”.
Its our human experience that perceives it that way since we are so used to judging by the physical appearance of things, for good past survival evolutionary reasons.
However we’ve evolved. I know its hard to believe with everyone’s face in their Iphones, but we are still evolving. Humanity is about the “bad” and the good, and how both can happen simultaneously. The silver lining to our age of existence is that we have evolved past needing certain survival strategies, so we are allowed to grow out of them gracefully to allow in the new things that help us survive better during this time. You wouldn’t put Bill Gates in a cave and tell him that’s the only way to live right? We’ve evolved.
As much as things evolve and change such as life, certain divine truths are timelessly the same. Einstein once said “Energy cannot be created nor destroyed, only transferred” –some don’t see him as a divine being but I always did, he just explained away death in one sentence, and he’s right.
Not going to get into the pain I feel bc that’s not going to help anybody, but just know if you are ever going through something like this, that you’re never alone. There’s millions of us having this human experience with you, as well as our unseen friends with us –in every and any way you want to take that.
Come on we signed up for this life lets do what we came here to do, and if you don’t know what that is, it’s whatever you are doing right now. It may not be your job, but it’s you being at that job, it’s learning, and being there for people including yourself, it’s going to the coffee shop, it’s surviving, its getting up in the morning, it’s enjoying everything and loving anything, it’s everything and anything you’ve been doing.
Know that you were put here for a reason and that reason is what you’ve done, been doing, and are going to do. It’s you being you, here and now, and that’s all that matters. It’s you.
My main objective being with him as he hung on by a thread Sunday night, was to have him not be scared. When alone with him, I needed to cut through my own grief and get this energetic message and feeling across that it was going to be more than ok (for him); and with remnants of my heart still on it, I believe all of our messages sank into his heart that night.
Death is something we experience as the one’s remaining here. The one’s that are leaving their bodies are actually experiencing birth. So when people say life and death, it’s the death of what they knew.
However there’s so much more to know and expand on. Everything is energy, and now they are with you in a way they couldn’t be before.
On the way back home Wednesday night, they say there are no coincidences only synchronicities and one of the way’s one’s that have left the physical will communicate with you, is through music and “coincidences” (and really whatever way you can acknowledge, thus establishing that language with them).
He loved Whitney Houston and music of that kind in that era, and Whitney’s “I will always love you came on”, which I changed at first bc there’s just so much one can handle lol, but then given that I was alone, I changed it back.
I really heard and soaked in the lyrics in a way I never had before. The lyrics were never so deep and on point then at that moment. To a tee, it was his spirit.
I remember one of the last times I was at the hospital with him, he looked me and his daughter Maria in the eyes, and said “I love you forever”
Everything physical here is temporary and rented with time.
What is real, what we take with us, what is eternal, is love.
Thank you Big Bob for one of the greatest gifts I will forever have with me, which is the love I have for you, that we all have for you, that I get to have, witness, and we all get to receive, now from a higher place.
I love you forever
Robert Mario Anthony Corlieto Sr. “11/5/40 – 3/26/18”